Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…
Ahh, The Princess Bride. Classic.
I figure I used up my allotted amount of preamble in the last post or two, so I’ll cut to the chase of this evenings post. I want to talk about marriage. Not in the tongue-in-cheek way I wrote about a month or two ago, and not in the debating hetero vs. homosexual way I stumbled into before that, but rather in the “Gahh!! DANGER!! DANGER!!” way I feel at the moment.
No, there’s nothing amiss in our marriage. I don’t think.
What’s scaring the fluffy bunnies out of me is this world I have become privy to since joining the Wedded Club. Before now, I’ve mostly seen marriage to be a simple beast. You love, you love (wink, wink), you take care of each other (not wink, wink), honor, respect, blah blah blah. You date without the training wheels. I say mostly because there are two specific situations prior to now that clued me into the idea that maybe it wasn’t quite as straightforward as I thought. One of them was the sister of a dear friend of mine – she married her high school sweetheart then, without details that aren’t mine to share, it wasn’t long before they were divorced. And…my world was rocked. Divorce was supposed to be something strangers did, not those I loved. I can’t convey how much my ideas of love and marriage fractured over a story that wasn’t even mine.
The second was a marriage of 12 years that I became far too familiar with. I came to know, though one-sided, the decay of a “love at first sight” kind of romance into what became a “comfortable”, though lackluster, marriage. They were perfect for each other, really. Both attractive, even to looking similar. Both from similar backgrounds. Both narcissistic. The only thing they didn’t match in was their interest in the marriage.
The outcome of these individuals stories isn’t important. What I took away from these stories also isn’t important to what I have to ponder on at the moment. What is important is the fear that began. I realized something that grew and became utterly terrifying: None of them got into their marriages thinking it wouldn’t last, but they got taken out anyway.
Very few people enter a long-term relationship thinking “this is a terrible idea that will end horribly”. Or maybe they do, I don’t know. I know I’ve dated people thinking this in the short-term, but that’s why I never said any vows or signed the contract. Generally you say the vows and sign the contract required by the state because you’d like it to work out. Right? So…what goes wrong?
And that…that’s where I’m horrified.
Horrified may be the wrong word. Whatever the word is that encapsulates the notion regarding fear of the unknown mixed with a little emergency preparedness…that.
I’ve seen relationships dive head first into crap-ville. I’ve watched the ship go flaming down into the depths of misery and have stood from the shore going “What just happened? WHERE WAS THE TORPEDO?” Sometimes it’s obvious – he wasn’t supported, cared for, loved (wink, wink), known both in the literal and biblical sense of the word. She wasn’t taken seriously, listened to…whatever else. He worked too much. She was depressed. He cheated. She made out with people who weren’t her husband, then just a bit more, and a bit more, and…yeah. Those are the obvious things.
It’s how you get from “I DO!” to “Meh” that has me so concerned.
Maybe I’m so aware of it because of what I’ve witnessed in the past, but I think it has more to do with the attitudes that we both are surrounded with now. There was a gathering we were a part of not too long ago where there were three or four couples hanging out at a friend’s house. The women seemed to gravitate to one room with the wine, the men to the other with the beer. My husband, however, wasn’t so keen to join the guys – something I wasn’t aware of (since he did indeed join the guys eventually) till later during our reflection on the evening. It was then that he made a remark about them giving him crap for being “such a newlywed” and how he’d “get over that quick”. I asked him what the heck he was talking about, and he said:
“When I walked off with them at the park to find drinks, I told them I needed to say goodbye to you first. They said ‘You kiss your wife goodbye?!’ and I said ‘Always’, to which they replied ‘you’re such a newlywed. You’ll get over that quick.’”
I’ve never demanded he do anything of the sort, and yet, the last thing he does before leaving my presence is kiss me goodbye and the first thing he does when he gets home is kiss me hello. I, on the other hand, suck at maintaining such consistency – mostly because my head has 352 trains of thought going at a time and I get distracted from the things that matter far more than the rabbit trail. This evening in question though, he continued:
“You kept wanting me to ‘spend time with the guys’, but those guys are so negative and miserable. I’d rather hang out with you.”
Coolest guy ever, by the way, but he has a valid point besides that. There is an element of bummer at times with these participants and their marriages. There’s a sense of “putting up with” their wives, rather than cherishing and enjoying them. Or an air of resentment or frustration…I don’t know. That’s their deal. It’s also what media is so good at projecting about the institution. Media sells us a bum deal when it comes to the idea of marriage. There’s nothing “loving” about what we’re sold these days – all of it sows dissension and resentment.
What scares me is that, just as the afore-mentioned couples probably didn’t get into their marriages hoping they would crash and burn, these two probably didn’t sign up hoping to one day dissuade a newly(ish) married guy from loving communication with his wife. I’m judging, perhaps. But still…
It scares me.
I don’t want to go from where we are now to a land of bitterness and disinterest. I know we’re not even yet at the high point, there are years to build to that. What I don’t want to happen is those years turn into a gradual decay, and the evidence I’ve seen proves that it’s easier to happen than you’d think. But where…where are those pivotal moments? Where are those decisions and interactions that fork from good to bad? Have I missed them?
I think it’s very realistic to acknowledge that marriage is a daily project. It’s a series of moment to moment choices and attitudes. Beyond that, I don’t have it figured out. What I do figure is that we don’t have to buy into the media and it’s nonsense. I don’t think marriage has to be a bleak mill-stone tied around ones neck. I don’t think it’s a death sentence. I don’t think you have to reach a point where things are “comfortable”, but not interesting or compelling. Yes, there’s highs and lows, good days and bad…but it doesn’t have to be such a bummer.
Before we married I once told him I saw marriage as having a best friend with benefits who you refuse to quit on. I still kinda think that. Does it really have to be more complicated? At the end of the day, once you’ve said “I do”, nearly every action, discussion, debate, decision, etc. can be considered in the light of “Regardless how I feel right now, do I choose to love you?”…and act accordingly. And yes, when you’re really annoyed with the other person, the last think you want to do is swallow your pride and act with love.
I, admittedly, suck at this from time to time. It’s something I’m working on. I know that’s not the ultimate answer here, but it’s a part of it.
One of my loveliest and wisest friends once wrote a blog post years ago entitled (something like) “The Horrible, Awefullness of Marriage”. In it, she laid out exactly what the title said – the horrible, awefullness that was marriage. The struggles. The conflict. The learning how to mesh two people into one joint effort of a life and the awkward feelings around it all. It was honest. It was brutally so. To date, I think it is one of the most encouraging things I have read when it comes to relationships. To me, encouragement doesn’t come from pure sunshine and roses – encouragement comes from someone truthfully saying “yep, it can suck at times…but it’s worth it”. That’s the message that perhaps the first mentioned relationships forgot, the middle mentioned have lost sight of for the moment, and the media refuses to give airtime to – it’s worth it.
Fighting for it is worth it. Kisses for no reason at all, perhaps are for a much greater reason in the long run. Love, regardless of the situation and the pride and the feelings…it’s worth it.
The Princess Bride, though comical, had a few rad lines. This isn’t the best of them, but it’s fitting.
The Impressive Clergyman: And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.
